Day 5: A Rant About Alfredo

During my tenure as a grocery buyer for Real Food Market (Helena, MT), the bane of my existence—the single item that I had to force myself to reorder time and time again as I gritted my teeth in sheer disgust—was an alfredo sauce packet that was produced by Simply Organic. I simply detested this particular food product, despite the fact no one was forcing me to consume it personally. I had never even tried it! But I knew that its creation must have been a gift from something evil. By now, perhaps you are wondering what in the world I’ve been smoking, and I would concur that this sentiment is completely legitimate.

(Organic) maltodextrin. Silicon dioxide. (Organic) potato starch. (Organic) butter flavor. I’m not a food purist—these ingredients in and of themselves are not the cause of my disturbed feelings towards this particular product. What does evoke such psychological distress? It’s the directions one must follow to arrive at the finished product: heat milk, butter, parmesan cheese, and sauce packet, and toss with noodles. Yes! You must supplement the packet’s contents with these ingredients! You know how to make from-scratch alfredo sauce? Heat cream, butter, parmesan cheese, and toss with noodles. You don’t even have to add maltodextrin, silicon dioxide, potato starch, or “butter flavor”! To whip up authentic alfredo, it literally takes two minutes of prep, assuming that you grate your own cheese from a wedge and don’t obtain it from an oversized green and yellow shaker can. If you happen to be a poor soul who hasn’t yet realized that dairy fat is not the enemy, I guess that you could use milk instead of cream and margarine instead of butter. But if this is you, I feel sorry for you as much as I feel sorry for Twinkie-eaters and consumers of Big Macs. Regardless, you haven’t saved a minute of time by buying a mix, you’ve wasted about $2, and you’ve majorly compromised the integrity of your dinner.

As a grocery buyer, I decided that customers simply didn’t understand the simplicity of making fettuccine alfredo from scratch. So, I left a pouch full of recipe cards so that they could quickly be enlightened. Not a chance. This product continued to fly off the shelves, and shortly after this failed experiment, I transferred out of the grocery department because good buyers don’t try to convince their customers not to buy their products.

This experience—though at least 5 years old—still haunts me….